The businessman
June 26, 2009

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.

What me? Drunk?
June 12, 2009

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

 

That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

 

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

 

Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

 

A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?

 

What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

 

Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

You looked alot like my wife
April 27, 2009

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.

Man and Wife
April 10, 2009

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, “I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,”Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said,”Come out and fight like a man!“.