Compulsion
July 27, 2009

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.

On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.

But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.

Yes,” the man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.

The Bad Day
July 22, 2009

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.

No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

Paint my house
July 15, 2009

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.

Giraffe
April 17, 2009

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, “A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please.” So they proceed to drink. Then: “…a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too” And they keep drinking all evening.

Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?

The guy replies “That’s not a lion… it’s a giraffe.

Man and Wife
April 10, 2009

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, “I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,”Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said,”Come out and fight like a man!“.