I think I can fly
July 31, 2009

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys “You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly.”

The second guy says “No Way!

So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.

The second guy is totally amazed, so he says “You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too.

All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says “Ok, I will be able to fly now.

All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.

The third guy turns to the first guy and said “You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink.

The Carrot
July 29, 2009

A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but decides against it.

On the next day, the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again, the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn’t.

The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can’t stand it anymore. He says to the patron, “Hey, you know you’ve got a carrot in your ear?

The patron says to the bartender, “I can’t hear you! I’ve got a carrot in my ear.

Sallys legs
June 29, 2009

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called ‘Sally’s Legs’. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, “What are you doing?” The guy replies, “I’m waiting for ‘Sally’s Legs’ to open so I can get a drink.

25 signs you have had too much to drink
June 10, 2009

1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you’re drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.) “I’m as jober as a sudge.
25.) The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

Got beer
June 5, 2009

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

 

His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.

 

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.

 

While he was gone a man walks up to Joe’s wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe’s wife exclaims, “you sick pervert get out of my sight.

 

Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy’s ass.

 

Joe said, “No way you don’t mess with a guy who can drink that much beer“.

The story of a very short man
May 18, 2009

A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks “He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor’s powers!

Seeing eye dog
May 15, 2009

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?

Giraffe
April 17, 2009

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, “A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please.” So they proceed to drink. Then: “…a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too” And they keep drinking all evening.

Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?

The guy replies “That’s not a lion… it’s a giraffe.

Dont Drink
April 15, 2009

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!“.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!