Compulsion
July 27, 2009

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.

On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.

But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.

Yes,” the man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.

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Drunk Idiot
July 17, 2009

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender.

The bartender follows the man’s order and says, “That will be $42.50 please.

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk’s instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, “What, no drink for me?

Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.

High Tech
June 8, 2009

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

 

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

 

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.

 

The bartender says “Prove it.

 

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah“, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

 

By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.

 

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

 

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

 

Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?

 

The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.