Gorilla at a bar

June 17, 2009 - Leave a Response

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says “that’ll be $25.
A minute later making conversation the bartender says “We don’t get many gorillas round these parts.
The gorilla replies “At these prices, you won’t get many more, either!

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What me? Drunk?

June 12, 2009 - Leave a Response

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

 

That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

 

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

 

Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

 

A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?

 

What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

 

Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

25 signs you have had too much to drink

June 10, 2009 - Leave a Response

1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you’re drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.) “I’m as jober as a sudge.
25.) The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

High Tech

June 8, 2009 - Leave a Response

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

 

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

 

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.

 

The bartender says “Prove it.

 

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah“, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

 

By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.

 

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

 

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

 

Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?

 

The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.

Got beer

June 5, 2009 - Leave a Response

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

 

His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.

 

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.

 

While he was gone a man walks up to Joe’s wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe’s wife exclaims, “you sick pervert get out of my sight.

 

Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy’s ass.

 

Joe said, “No way you don’t mess with a guy who can drink that much beer“.

The drunk and the nun

June 3, 2009 - Leave a Response

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”

Drunk man

June 1, 2009 - Leave a Response

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

four legs

May 29, 2009 - Leave a Response

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

The Drunk

May 29, 2009 - Leave a Response

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He’s slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn’t believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks,” How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!!!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all….SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him,” You’re really an jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

A man takes the ferry home from work

May 27, 2009 - Leave a Response

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.

It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!

A seal at the bar

May 25, 2009 - Leave a Response

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, “What’s your pleasure?

The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.

Stopped by the police

May 22, 2009 - Leave a Response

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.

Just trying to be helpful

May 20, 2009 - Leave a Response

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep“. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep“. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep“.

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep“. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep“. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man.”

He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!

The story of a very short man

May 18, 2009 - Leave a Response

A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks “He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor’s powers!

Seeing eye dog

May 15, 2009 - Leave a Response

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?

Customs of an Irishman

May 13, 2009 - Leave a Response

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.

What causes people to have arthritis?

May 11, 2009 - Leave a Response

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?

I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A bet

May 8, 2009 - Leave a Response

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn’t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, “Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?

The man answers, “Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.

A Magical Dancing Duck

May 6, 2009 - Leave a Response

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!

So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?

Reasons to allow drinking at work

May 4, 2009 - Leave a Response

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.